Melancholy Moments

Melancholy Moments

Do you ever think about your life before children? Who you were? How life could be different?

I often feel melancholy about my former life or should I say former ‘self’ as nothing prepares you for the transition into becoming a mum. I look at the first picture, feelings of excitement and feeling so special. I was blissfully naive to the unknown…me and my baby. It will be fine we will go out for lunch and I will show you off to the world and play ‘the mummy’. Little do we know reality has a funny way of creeping into the somewhat honey moon period of becoming a new mum.

Mine hit me probably around a few months after Henry was born, after all the hype had gone and Tom had gone back to work. I was suddenly alone with this little human and it dawned on me…wow I am responsible for this little life!…..forever!!!

I found the reality hard, I often remembered times when I had no responsibility. I honestly wasn’t enjoying being a mum at first and found it hard work. I longed to be my fun self again, I longed more than anything to have a lie in and nap! I thought I was tired in pregnancy or even before I had a baby I would feel tired….not like this though. People tried to tell me but I was wearing my pregnancy rose tinted spectacles.

It was awful feeling like this because no one really talks about the reality and you would see other mums out and about and think wow they really got it together you know! Along with the feeling of inadequacy came the guilt for not loving my new role as much as I should. I missed my job, I knew my role there, I felt important like I was making a difference. I didn’t feel like I was good to anyone after having a baby. I had nothing interesting to say and I was knackered to be honest…

Time went on and the first night out post baby came around. YES! Child free night out on the town, alcohol. Got my hair done, got my outfit out, got my drink on, met the girls….it was like the old times…Except! I wasn’t the old me. The drink in my hand didn’t quite taste the same. I missed my house, I missed baby. I felt out of sorts. I felt anxious! My friend (also recent post baby) and I at the time went home early….She wouldn’t mind me saying but I remembered My best friend had a baby when she was younger and she would often come out and say she missed her son on nights out and I used to think what?! Get a grip! Haha I totally understood it now.

Time has gone on and it does get easier. I tried to fight the inevitable at first…but I am and always will be a mum now, not just steph. Obviously I am still me but I am a different person and probably for the better to be honest but change is hard and adjusting to a new part of your life is often hard and nothing to be ashamed of. It does not mean you don’t love your new found motherhood or your baby it just means you are learning and transitioning into new territory. My advise to anyone out there embarking on this new territory would be to embrace it! Ask for help! And don’t be afraid of how you are feeling, there are many other mums who are in the same position and may be feeling the same so reach out. Be kind to yourself and realise that you are doing an amazing job, although it might seem like Groundhog Day at times.

I look at the second picture, the reality that is now. I am Steph the mum, I love my babies more than anything. I’ve joined a new party with my very own crew and It ain’t all bad, you might even say I look pretty gangster (apology’s 😂). The party goes on…..just mum style xxxxx

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