Jack of all trades and master of none?!
To Work or not to Work…that is the question?!
Sat in clinic having my diabetes test having just necked the glucose drink like a bush tucker trial…😝 killing 2 hours I’ve been sat feeling sick and pondering life as you do. Now I don’t claim to be an expert on this subject and I don’t have an opinion either way so I’m not pro stay at home or work but I am just illustrating my situation to provide some help and support for others who have been in this turmoil.
…It has always been in me, even before I was a mum. I was never satisfied with what I had, I always wanted more, I always questioned, pushed boundaries, strived for something to fill that void…..as I’ve grown older I’ve realised that what I was striving for does not exist and the thing that I need to fill the void…I don’t even know what it is. instead of looking externally you have to look at yourself. What is your identity?
It could be part of my personality I guess. Typical Type A. I get bored a lot of the time and don’t like the mundaneness of life, I overthink and often procrastinate. I totally know that I am very lucky and know that people are worse off and we should appreciate what we have. Problem is when you become a mum you do have a lot of time to think which is weird considering how busy you are but you do. when your stuck at home with a baby you drift off and wonder what your life is all about and what to do with yourself…
Okay so I guess I can call my self a full time stay at home mum now. I am so far from where I thought I would be and what I thought motherhood would look like, this was never my plan yet still I’m here, 3rd pregnancy in thinking okay then…this is my reality. How did this happen?! Well I know how haha…but I was chatting to Tom last night saying how did we get here…married and third baby on the way?! I don’t have enough hands to carry all three down the stairs?! Is one going to be left out? What if I can’t cope? What if I’m a shit mum?!
I never imagined I would be a stay at home mum. I was so career focused and driven. I had qualified as a nurse in 2009 and never took my foot off the pedal to be quite honest, even as a qualified nurse I was so keen to climb the ladder, I was working full time and back at university doing my masters within a year of qualifying. I become a nurse specialist and then nursing sister and loved my role with a passion. It was all I knew for nearly 9 years and who I identified as. I didn’t know where I was going but the only way was up… that all came to a sudden standstill for various reasons.
The hardest part for me came from having choice. I’m not wanting to brag but I am so lucky that we are financially stable that I could either work or stay at home. With that said it didn’t make my decision any easier because I wanted to work, I wanted to provide and I wanted to do it all and I loved my job.
I was taught growing up to be independent and to be able to stand on my own two feet so not working to me went against my whole ethos. I didn’t want to depend on a man to provide for me.
When I fell pregnant with my second I really had to think about it carefully and in making my decision I wanted to do what was best for my kids. I know I would feel more mentally stable back at work (well..) but I know that I would be better supporting my children, Toms career and as a whole supporting what is best for my family.
Everyone has their own circumstance and it’s different for everybody. However you make your way, there is not right or wrong way and it’s just how it is.
I was in complete turmoil when deciding whether or not to go back to Work. When I fell pregnant with my now third child, it sort of made the decision for me. I probably would have gone back but a previous horrible experience put me off completely and I just thought in the end it’s not worth it. I mean how would I manage with three kids under 3 and manage a ward anyway, it just wouldn’t be fair on all parties.
I argued against myself for a long time and often felt resentment when I first became a mum. Tom was upset he couldn’t go cycling as much anymore. It used to annoy me because I thought so much more had changed for me…I can’t just go to the gym anymore when I want (…yeah right 😂🙈)…..I can’t fit into my size 12 jeans anymore….I can’t go out partying till all hours…I can’t see my friends when I want…I can’t pursue my career…I can’t just book a holiday anymore…I can’t have a nap when I want….so much responsibility now. So much change and adjustment where for Tom he could still go to work and be with adults!…it’s hard for him too though because he misses the boys and it’s hard work and long hours.
When Henry was first born I got cabin fever.. I started thinking alsorts…start up a business …botox! Reiki…counselling….train to be a doctor…I was thinking of anything I could do other than do what was important…parent my child…that was my role now….I dunno why I didn’t want to accept it and why I was putting so much pressure on myself. HereS me starting a business about 6months pregnant with Freddie, I think I was doing anything not to go back to my real job…
I think it a lot of the feelings came from a place of feeling like your a non-entity after having a child. You get so much attention whilst your pregnant and then all of a sudden it’s not about you anymore. Your child takes front seat. Sometimes family come and visit and they not here to see you, your like the after thought. Not purposely but it’s just how it is now.
It all came down to what am I actually trying to achieve and more importantly who to? I was worried about what people might think of me…like oh she’s lazy she don’t work….that’s it sponging off her husband…who does she think she is a WAG?! Real house Wife’s of West Yorkshire (I totally think that I am haha) after much deliberation of what people may or may not think I realised that it doesn’t actually matter what anyone else thinks….it was what was best for me and my family that mattered.
I finally made my decision to stay at home, and a weight was lifted. I realised that what I wanted deep down was to be with my children, be a house wife and raise a family! Complete 360! And I know that I am privileged and lucky to have this opportunity even though I know it’s going to be hard work.
Don’t get me wrong I know I will want to get back to work eventually, whether I go back into nursing that’s another story but for now it’s all about the boys.
You realise a lot as you grow older. I was bullied at school, mainly by my so called friends…they even had a burn book like mean girls!…This theme had continued in my adult life in the work environment unfortunately…(talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy 🤔). I think that’s where a lot of my Insecurities came from and that need to prove myself to others, a constant need to be liked and accepted. Ive been lucky enough to discover that its all a-load of rubbish. I’m not perfect nor am I a saint but I’m the first to know that. I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am and realise that what you think of yourself is more important than what others think. The people that love you and who you love are all that matters and you should treat people with kindness and forgive…even the mean ones.
….Im worried how I’m going to cope with 3 kids under 3, I know I will cope somehow but I just dunno how. The thing is, it’s not enough for me just to be at home, I need to be doing something for me…is that selfish? I need to be using my brain! I can feel I’m loosing it day by day, my memory is terrible nowadays! 😂✌🏻 ……(anyway ENOUGH of my issues 🙈💕)
If you are worrying about going back to work or not and maintaining a work life balance, stay calm and realise that what ever you decide you do not need to feel guilty…even though you will and probably will do forever more (comes with the territory). Know that if you decide to stay at home you ain’t lazy, you are actually doing a very difficult thankless job in raising your family (yes I know kids are not a ‘job’ but it can be just as hard as working. And if you working and providing for your children you are doing a very difficult job and having to juggle family life.
1. Don’t rush to make a decision, take your time
2. Write it down, pros and cons of staying at home and working
3. Sit down and work out your finances, (sometimes nursery can cost as much as a mortgage…is it worth it or not)
4. Speak to others and get advice, your partner, family members, friends.
5. Look online (the google gods)
6. Know that you cannot make a wrong decision and know that you can change your mind
7. Trust your gut
8. Know that you are an amazing mum regardless whether you work or not.
People will always have opinions about the right and wrong way to parent and that’s fine but try not to take them too personally because they are coming from a good place and if not, then just ignore them. People only know from their own experience, staying at home or not so if people judge you more fool them.
Good Luck! You can do this xxx