Trigger Warning ⚠️
This May be insensitive, tacky even, desperate, embarrassing or even crude.
I will be judged either way but that’s not what this is about. I do not know how to cope with this any other way but to write about it. It would be hypocritical of me not to as I started this blog to be open, honest and real, to help others.
This is real life and it may be uncomfortable for some and even cringeworthy, you may see it as attention seeking. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to share my experience and to let any one going through this know, that I am open and here to talk about it.
It happens more than you think (1 in 4 women) and like death (which in some respect it is exactly that) it should not still not be a taboo subject in 2020.
So here goes…
This is me blissfully unaware of what the day would bring. I was so so happy wearing my new dress all ready to go and have my 16 week private scan…the big gender reveal. I was going to surprise my Nan on her bday and do it in her garden on VE Day to celebrate (social distancing of course)…
it was not meant to be
Instead I was not told the gender. Instead I was told that my baby had no heart beat. I was quickly rushed out with an appointment made for the nhs on Monday to be rescanned…so here I wait.
Apparently this is what they call a missed miscarriage. I had my 12 week scan and everything was fine no problems. I have been really well all along despite the corona virus pandemic. It’s very difficult to comprehend and I am still in shock, but it’s unlikely she was wrong.
I got in the car and somehow I drove home
Now, I openly admit to being naively ignorant to the actual pain and loss that occurs when you have a miscarriage. I absolutely believe that until you have experienced this, you cannot begin to imagine how gut wrenching brutal it is.
I have miscarried previously at around 8 weeks, although terrible…it is nothing like what I am experiencing right now.
This pain is excruciating and cruel
I am hollow and numb and in agony all at once
I’m am grief stricken
But mainly just sad
I want to disappear
I can’t get out of bed
I do not want to participate
I am not ready to speak
I am not ready to see family or friends
I am not ready for the gossip, the poor you or the opinions of others
I am not ready for the ‘well it’s not that bad at least you have 3 kids, some people don’t..’
I’m not ready for the ‘It wasn’t meant to be’
‘It wasn’t the right time’
‘ you can try again’
‘Maybe you can’t carry a girl’
‘Maybe it was too soon after your last’
No, do not even go there
I strongly believe that people always want to be good and this is just a brief experience of a fraction of thoughts whirling through my head at the moment and contributing to my anxiety on top of everything else we are all going through at the moment
Loss is Loss
We are heartbroken and devastated. My poor husband is going through this as well and trying to support me and the boys.
We need time to heal and I know that We will.
I am glad that I have such a spiritual belief and I truly believe in the grand design of things, even though I struggle to understand why such terrible things happen to us all throughout our lives, things that we can’t comprehend. But there is also good.
You know what I just don’t know to be honest I’m lost, in limbo.
I sit and I wait till Monday to be told my baby is dead?
It feels inhumane to me but it is what it is, what can anyone do
I looked out of the window this morning at 4am and saw the moon, somber, why is this happening?…I looked again into the garden around midday… and before I knew it two little bush heads appeared, one proudly stood peeing on the tent…the other stripping naked parading to the trampoline.
And just like that you smile through the agony, because what else can you do. I’ll say it again and again….what are you suppose to do?
You deal with it any way you can to get through it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
All I know is I can’t hide from this and I’m not going to retreat because I’m not ashamed and I just can’t go there, it’s a hole I won’t climb out of so I’m just trying to be a normal as I can be and accept that it will hurt and be painful and be sad for a while.
My beautiful boys, they will get me through.
Support from family and friends
One day at a time…
It’s not over yet
so I wait…