Well hey there little…pineapple?! We have got to 29 weeks together. How the time has flown by and we are nearly at our destination. It’s nice to know you are enjoying punching my insides and pressing on my bladder all night… I have been anxious (understatement) about baby as the last scan said he was small. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about and I was told that growth scans can be unreliable but still it makes you wonder.

It is that time in pregnancy when it all sort of starts to become real. Like you aren’t just no sponge bob square pants (obviously) you are my baby and we will be meeting you very shortly. I know it will be magical (haha) and amazing and fingers crossed everything will be fineeeee!!…if only my anxiety would let me believe that. This type of anxiety is no joke. If you have ever felt this anxiety then you will know. It is like you have been taken over by something you have no control of…I can kind of rationalise it now and separate it from myself but it isn’t easy and no matter how rational you can be you are up against your surge of hormones at this stage.

Overthinking is my problem right now and trying to focus on the here and now. Instead my mind wonders to the labour, newborn baby and how will I manage, Will I ever leave the house again? How can I have forgotten what to do I have been pregnant for the last 4 years!!! It’s hardly a distant memory, although it feels that way.

It didn’t help that I had another panic attack…it wasn’t totally unwarranted. I can’t blame everything on my mentality or hormone imbalance. No, this was my dodgy DIY skills. 🙌🏻

I had tried to change some of the door handles for some new more up to date ones (because baby will need them 😂) and took it upon myself to attach them. They seemed perfectly secure and I checked the doors opened and shut. Jobs a good one! Off to bed I went. (I’m so good at attaching door handles maybe I could put up shelves now..? Hmm)

In the morning I went into the boys room! ‘Morning boys’ we pottered around and did our routine and when we were ready for breakfast I noticed that Henry had shut the door. I went to open it…no joy. I tried again…I began to panic! Me and the kids were trapped…next minute the door handle came off in my hand!

Omg…life flashed before my eyes!!! Thank god I put my pjs on at least!! S*** what do I do…yes I know I can prise the door open, the boys must have some tools in here?! I found some piece of metal in the top draw and tried to shove it down the lock, id seen it on Oceans 11 along time ago. No luck!…(omg we are going to be stuck in here forever! Well at least until tea time, what if we need to pee, we need breakfast!) henry started shouting ‘door mummy door!’ I tried not to panic…er ‘yes darling door stuck, don’t worry mummy will fix this don’t worry’….(how do I fix this). I could climb out of the window?! But I have no shoes on and can’t leave the boys and don’t have a house key to get back in…plus I am 8 months pregnant and dunno if the roof will hold my fat arse…also I can barely get out the window and it’s a fair drop down onto tarmac with no shoes…what to do?!!

I thought about shouting for help out of the window but I hadn’t reached the stage where I felt mortified enough and desperate. Luckily after about an hour of procrastinating my Chance came along, I saw my neighbour and shouted out the window (must of thought I was bonkers) 2 sets of plyers later we were free! One set fell on the roof…alongside Henry dummy that he chose to throw out in his attempt to help. The second set came up on some rope (genius) I managed to open the door!

We would Have been stranded! This triggered my anxiety about doors!!! What if the kids got locked in on their own! Im on my own with the boys and there is now 3 of them?! I’m not actually superhuman and I can’t get through doors….Gosh…all this drama……what if something goes wrong it’s just me here.. I will have to put plyers in every room from now on!

Need a rest. After id calmed down I went to make a coffee and try relax with a biscuit and cuppa. Have a break have a kitkat…or five.

Yes it’s safe to say that this third trimester is hitting me hard at the moment. The back ache, head aches, insomnia. I’m not feeling very inspired and it’s tough looking after the boys at minute as-well…not much longer to go just need to keep my energy up! Not long till little pineapple will be making his own great escape! Please don’t hurt too much 😂🙈💕👍🏻

As hard as it is we need to take time out and have some downtime. It’s tricky trying to juggle everything.

On my rare mum time out my favourite pastimes….

Top 10

1.nap

2.scrolling on my phone

3.standing in the kitchen

4.watch catch up tv

5.eat snacks whilst standing in the kitchen

6.look at pictures of the kids on my phone

7.post my pictures of my kids on social media (I’m sorry… but not sorry) 😂

8.stare at the walls and windows

9.Go to the toilet in peace…..scroll on my phone 😂

10. Get my lashes done

The end

Finding time out to chill is few and far between now but I might as well get used to it! I think I spend far too much time on my phone now and social media..don’t we all? It’s escapism though really, it gives you an outlet to the outside world and sometimes there is interesting news or blogs to read…but not always.💕🙌🏻🙈👍🏻😂 xxxx

One of THOSE DAYS

It’s been one of THOSE DAYS! You must know what I’m talking about. One of THOSE days has a total different concept now. It could be an inconvenience at work, a-problem with the sky subscription, a parking ticket, a slight altercation with a stranger who bumped into you…noooo I’m taking about one of THOSE DAYS…the one when you are at home all alone and outnumbered by two small little Tasmanian devils….the children.

It all started off with a lovely lie in….YEAH RIGHT. 0400 I can hear what I can only describe as a banshee coming from the boys room (am I dreaming?! Hearing crying again…) I went to investigate and it happened to be my little Freddie stood up in his cot..now laughing. How could he be awake at this time?! He normally sleeps through. I went to get him some milk and settle him down again. Henry never seems to be bothered which always surprises me seen as though they share a room.

20 minutes later…. I really need to check out that loft space…is there actually a bird or is it blossom (the cat- who strangely Freddie does sound like when he cry’s sometimes)…

‘Ah yes little Freddie what can I do you for….’ (please god go

Back to sleeeeep)… he stood up laughing again…. another bottle later and he must have dosed off again as I re-woke at…yes you guessed it.

0650!!!!!!!!!!!

(I’m so tired I can’t cope……I hardly slept been awake since 0400 how the hell am

I going to get through the day with the boys it’s going to be soooo long)

They both woke and came into my bed. Which lasts all of 5 minutes before they are both climbing the walls! Okay boys let’s have breakfast…

I’m so fucking tired I stub my toe and break it…I’m known for my drama queen antics but I’m not exaggerating, no joke I have broken my toe…weetabix is calling…can’t stop now.

Feeding time at the zoo begins and ends and I get the sweeping brush out…only to have to do it again and again and again.

1000 ?! Hmm nap boys?! NAH 30 mins max

God what can I do! I need a break. Hello nan and grandad I can go to Sainsbury’s and buy stuff I don’t need like that room spray on offer.

Somehow…after my little outing we reach 1500….ah I can see the end in sight…bed time just gotta get through dinner time.

Freddie is a pleasure to feed. He eats anything. Henry however…he is really testing at the moment. I made a lovely cottage pie with swede. Within seconds he has thrown it all over the walls, curtain and floors (I just want to cry but I am numb) how much more… why doesn’t my child listen to me? I’ve tried so many ways to discipline but nothing is working. It’s like they are one step ahead and know how to play me… I need that super-nanny is she still around?!

Okay okay….bath time….trying to master the art of bathing 2 kids when your youngest has just realised how to climb out of the bath seat….not easy. We got through it though…

Finally all clean…all calm…milk and then …..yeah it’s 1700 (what I thought it was bed time, Freddie is knackered because he wouldn’t nap he can’t sleep now he won’t sleep tonight come on stay awake Fred’s!…

I welcome a phone call from auntie in London….as soon as we speak Freddie cry’s, I try and carry on the conversation but then I notice out of the corner of my eye that Henry is playing with his microphone and there is a large brown substance on the end of it ‘gotta go…sorry…there is a turd on the window….😩…I’m trying to clean it up and somehow Freddie has managed to crawl out of the door ajar and is now half way up the stairs (WTF) when did he learn to do that….laughing again at me. I rescue him and the turd and all is well again….bed time Fred…he can’t stay awake (1745) what do ya do?!

Henry is playing calmly and peacefully, the nicest he has been all day bless him

And his terrible 2s.

I finally take Henry to bed, he is a angel he brushes his teeth, chooses his teddy and picks out jaw jaw (his 6ft dinosaur grandad bought him for Christmas- cheers grandad lol) ‘night night mummy’….

My heart melts… I look over at Freddie fast asleep so beautiful…so innocent…Henry is snuggled down. My boys….my funny…crazy….amazing boys…I adore you. I am so lucky, my heart melts with pride….I would do this day over in a heartbeat my loves…oh F*** Freddie’s stirring….I quickly sneak out…

BIG DEEP BREATH…. I could really do with a beer right now…

I dunno how we got through this day but we did and there will probably be more days like this but not all the time, tomorrow is another day and I will try do better for my boys and try teach them and try manage it all better somehow. I think they can sense that their daddy is away maybe that’s why they are been mischievous… yeah maybe that’s it.

THOSE DAYS…these days are your life…right now….this minute…this is your life. How ever hard it is as a mum and dad remember that these days won’t last forever…these are your memories with your babies so however hard it is don’t wish this time away!! Buckle up your seatbelt and hold on in there. Nothing in life worth doing is easy but you will be rewarded in the end when you have brought up babies you are so proud of.

Keep the faith! You are doing your best! And remember we all have THOSE DAYS

Ahh and relax…..okay Freddie is crying again 😂💕 ….and there is going to be 3?!?

Buckle up momma!!!! You got this 💪🏻🎉💕.

The Nesting Fever

Hello 3rd trimester! We have welcomed you with open arms, an angry whale and a lot of tears yesterday. We had a lovely day out with the boys and went for a New Year’s Day walk. I couldn’t manage to get my nap in and…well…basically lost it. I cried hysterically and started to question my life having been so positive this new year. I transitioned into the momma hulk! Must be a hormone surge! Why is it when your having a melt down someone always calls in for a coffee…oh hi dad! (Better chill my beans and make a brew)🙈 😂

I’ve still got a good three months until baby number 3 is due but I’m getting that restless feeling already…like I need to get organised and pack my hospital bag. I can’t even remember what is needed. need my cleaner back! need to decorate! need more space! need to wash the carpets and clean the sofas! I need to clean the leaves off the driveway! I can hire a skip?! Dunno what for but I feel it’s what is needed?! 😂🙈

I went to town the other day and bought adult nappies for the post birth part, I’ve never used them before and not necessarily needed them but it’s like you never know when you might need an adult nappy 😂🙈. (What?!?)

You would think with my 3rd on the way that I would have been more prepared for this nesting period. I’ve never really done anything by halves so it’s no surprise that I have took nesting to an extremity in both my previous pregnancies to some degree.

Two weeks before Henry was born we moved house! No wonder he came early, it’s a good job we moved. We had a lot of help from my family and friends and George the removal man. It was a nightmare though. we had a trip to a&e in the process as a photo frame fell onto my papa and smashed his nose in. My bestie cleaned the kitchen! it was spotless….it’s first time id seen it that clean since I’d moved in. I dunno who this girl was that day but she brought her A game! I had never seen her as organised in my life! It was freaky but much needed and she definitely saved the day! Haha

Here’s a few of my tips on nesting if you like. Let’s start with

How not to nest…

Dont’s

Start a major decorating project half way through your pregnancy! Who try’s to decorate their own hallway. Fair enough if your a DIY expert but not if your like me, I get more paint on myself than the walls, on the bottom of my feet also! How does that even happen, I was trying to save money. Going to have to get a new carpet now it’s covered in paint! It’s a mess. Every time I look at it I get upset because I want it to be neat and it ain’t 😭😭😭

Enrol on a course at college

(Why am I planning my new career when it’s Gonna be a near impossibility to leave the house let alone attend a course. I can’t exactly strap the baby to me and go about my business and don’t feel confident I want to leave my newborn at nursery.)

Get rid of your cleaner (if your lucky enough to have one)

Leave everything till the last minute, yes I have had two babies before but I can’t remember what or how I got through the newborn phase or what I need.

Do!

Get a dishwasher!!!!! Omg my life has changed so much. 🙏🏻 blessed

Rest when you can

….I have amazing news…my saviour is coming back to me. My cleaner! She is amazing! She works her magic and just makes me feel better about everything.

There is a god after all HALLELUJAH 🙌🏻

💕☀️

How ever you decide to feather your nest, enjoy it! I wonder what your other mums get up to when nesting…..xxx

New year…New Me?? Christ I don’t even know myself half the time,let alone what day it is anymore. I have had a fantastic 2018. The birth of my beautiful Freddie Rupert George, my sisters wedding, holidays and outings with friends. Blessed. I guess I have a lot to be thankful for and hopeful for. I’ve had a few ups and downs naturally, a few court appearances (minor offences honestly) but no overall disasters that I can recall. Here are a few of my New Years resolutions to attempt to stick to. so here goes….

1. Don’t forget Freddie’s birthday in January

2. Remember to pack your hospital bag

3. Keep up with the cleaning

4. Nap whenever and wherever possible

5. Give birth

6. Raise a newborn

7. Continuing raising my boys

8. Be nice to my husband

9. Start slimming world at some point and actually slim down not eat more

10. Have pink hair again (I just love pink!)

11. Stop swearing

12. Be calmer

13. Try not to get pregnant this year

Happy New Year Folks! 🥳

PND – Post Natal Depression

To cure all your post Christmas blues I thought I’d talk about PND just to cheer you all up. I’m not good with the sarcasm but on a serious note I think people can often feel depressed, especially around this time of year and it’s important that we can talk about it. I have quite a lot to say. Specifically in relation to my experience of what I now know to be PND (post natal depression aka paranoid neurotic demon). I say this as I did not have a clue that what I was going through was in fact this, as it crept up on me a few months after Henry was born and I only really acknowledged it after my second son was born. I was almost in denial. I had a lot of trouble at work and was not supported at the time or during my pregnancy or maternity. I think a lot of my low mood was a consequence of that, but my feelings continued even after all the ordeal was over.

It was and is so easy to hide from others and pretend everything is fine on social media etc but deep down you cant hide from yourself, you know the truth. I wish I had recognised the signs of post natal depression a lot sooner and got the support and treatment I needed.

Postnatal depression can happen to parents (including dads) and is a type of depression that’s experienced after having a baby. It is very common, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth. It’s so important to seek help as soon as possible if you think you might be depressed. Symptoms could last months or get worse and have a significant impact on you, your baby and your family.

With the right support, which can include self-help strategies and therapy, most women make a full recovery

‘Postnatal depression can affect women in different ways. It can start at any point in the first year after giving birth and may develop suddenly or gradually.

Many women feel a bit down, tearful or anxious in the first week after giving birth. This is often called the “baby blues” and is so common that it’s considered normal. The “baby blues” don’t last for more than 2 weeks after giving birth. 

If your symptoms last longer or start later, you could have postnatal depression.

Symptoms

The main symptoms include:

• a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood

• loss of interest in the world around you and no longer enjoying things that used to give you pleasure

• lack of energy and feeling tired all the time

• trouble sleeping at night and feeling sleepy during the day

• feeling that you’re unable to look after your baby

• problems concentrating and making decisions

• loss of appetite or an increased appetite (comfort eating)

• feeling agitated, irritable or very apathetic (you “can’t be bothered”)

• feelings of guilt, hopelessness and self-blame

• difficulty bonding with your baby with a feeling of indifference and no sense of enjoyment in their company

• frightening thoughts – for example, about hurting your baby; these can be scary, but they’re very rarely acted upon

• thinking about suicide and self-harm

These symptoms can affect your day-to-day life and your relationships with your baby, your family and friends.

If you think you may be depressed, talk to your GP or health visitor as soon as possible so you can access the support you need.

Don’t struggle on alone and hope the problem will go away. It can continue for months or years if nothing is done.

Fathers and partners can also become depressed after the birth of a baby. You should seek help if this is affecting you.

Read more about treating postnatal depression.

‘Spotting the signs in others

Postnatal depression can develop gradually and it can be hard to recognise. Some parents may avoid talking to family and friends about how they’re feeling because they worry they’ll be judged for not coping or not appearing happy.

Signs for partners, family and friends to look out for in new parents include:

• frequently crying for no obvious reason

• having difficulty bonding with their baby, looking after them only as a duty and not wanting to play with them

• withdrawing from contact with other people

• speaking negatively all the time and claiming that they’re hopeless

• neglecting themselves, such as not washing or changing their clothes

• losing all sense of time, such as being unaware whether 10 minutes or 2 hours have passed

• losing their sense of humour

• constantly worrying that something is wrong with their baby, regardless of reassurance

If you think someone you know is depressed, encourage them to talk about their feelings to you, a friend, their GP or their health visitor.’ (NHS 2018)

I was ignorant to it. How could I have it? I’m far too strong a person to have that. Truth is that PND can happen to anyone no matter how strong, intelligent, successful you are and it can come along at any time.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me. We went to Scotland for our first wedding anniversary. Henry was 7months old. It was then when I first became aware that the way I was feeling was not ‘normal’. I felt constantly on edge, I could not sleep, one minute I was fine the next I was crying. I was angry for no reason, everything and everyone just pissed me off and I wanted to run away. The images above are me trying to hold it all together, inside I was screaming. The photo at the house was pre panic attack, something I’d never experienced before. can you spot the signs?

My relationship with people changed I went through a very strange phase. I did not trust people, I backed off from my friends. I questioned my all my relationships. Even with my own mum, it’s like we clashed….we had some right humdingers. high insight we realised that it was a big shock to the system. She told me of how it was terrifying when I gave birth and I was her baby…. and now her baby had her own baby.. it was hard to know our new roles… we are closer than ever now but for sometime it was bizarre and she was going through her own issues in terms of the menapause… which is another taboo subject that is not talked about enough…I resented family anyone that was just trying to help…pushed them away.

I had a mischarge right before I fell pregnant again with Freddie and it was the most terrible thing ever. I blamed myself. I didn’t acknowledge my feelings because I was told it was so Early on it didn’t count. I was only 8 weeks when it happened. It felt like I wasn’t entitled to be upset before it was so early on and not planned etc but I still lost my child. I went shopping in the afternoon, started bleeding and I miscarried in the toilet, I saw the little embryo, I held it in my hand and then it was gone, nothing.

We seem to go through a lot and put up with a lot before we decide that we need help. Why is it so hard for us to ask for help. It’s not failure, it’s actually very productive and highly intuitive to be able to recognise you need a hand.

At my worst point I had become detached from everything and everyone I felt that I resented my family friends and felt alone. The scariest feelings came out of the blue like a blanket suffocation I could not control it all I could say was that I felt fearful and scared all the time but did not know why. Like there was a threat to my family, it was completely irrational. The feeling of detached from the world was the emptiest feeling and was so overwhelming that it made you feel like you weren’t for this world anymore that’s the thing with anxiety it tricks you Into thinking that people would be better off without you because you are ashamed. it couldn’t be more further from the truth

I didn’t want to admit it but I knew I had a problem, I was scared if I told someone they would take my baby away from me. I dreamt about all scenarios if something bad happened and played them out in my head. It was disturbing and I couldn’t switch it off. I realised it was because I cared so much that I was protecting them really but in the process becoming exhausted.

It’s important to recognise that depression, it has nothing to do with your ability to be a good mother, partner, daughter and in a lot of ways you over compensate to hide your mental illness. I have high performance anxiety so I can cope with a lot before I break down and the funny part is, in a crisis I can be so calm but if I spilt my coffee I would absolutely loose it! Seriously I would loose my shit at the most mundane slightest of life’s niggles and inconveniences, I can crumble.

I am onto my third baby now. I know that I am in a good place and can cope very well. I know that I am a good mother. I know that it will be hard work. It’s going to be tough, I will have bad days. I will also have support, I will also have good days, I will also be well loved. The reason I can say all this is because I went and got help, I took responsibility and took control. I am on the other side now. It’s not perfect but it’s far from where I was. It’s not about anyone else it’s about you and it’s very internalised. it’s all about perception and recognising triggers and ways of coping. I had counselling and spoke with my midwife and GP. I also read books, researched and got into reiki which I find really relaxing. Even if you are not spiritual it is very therapeutic and I find mediation really calming.

I was put on a low dose of citalopram 10mg (antidepressant) and I am not ashamed to say I am still taking them. I was desperate not to take medication because I didn’t like the idea of it and thought I could just get a grip and sort myself out. Taking a pill to help my mind function does not make me a nutter or any less of a person. I take 3 horse tablets everyday for my Crohn’s, if I miss a day I am in serve pain and at risk of a flare up, no one would question that. So why question it if someone takes an antidepressant? It makes me be able to be a better mother, it makes me more tolerant, it makes me logical and calmer it and it helps me be able to function day to day. If I had a pain I would take paracetamol so why is there still so much stigma about mental health? If your mind is faulty or you have a chemical imbalance, Hormone imbalance it needs treatment.

I have never felt more empowered, confident and positive in my whole life as I do right now. I have off days and good days. It’s about learning to accept that it is an ongoing process and that it is okay to have these feelings, they pass and do not define who you are. You are not your thoughts and feelings. You are you.

I cannot stress enough. If you are struggling please don’t be scared to reach out and get help. Call your midwife, go to your GP get whatever support you need. You are not alone.

💕💕💕💕💕💕🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

Here are just a few useful links:

Contact telephone (UK)

*NHS dial 111

*NHS emergencies 999

*Charity/support groups

• Association for Post Natal Illness (APNI) – helpline on 0207 386 0868 (10am to 2pm, Monday to Friday) or email info@apni.org.

• Pre and Postnatal Depression Advice and Support (PANDAS) – helpline on 0843 28 98 401 (9am to 8pm, Monday to Sunday)

*Home Start 08000 686368

(This charity offers support to families and may be able to provide someone to come round to help with your children)

Websites:

http://www.mind.org.uk

http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a557236/postnatal-depression-pnd

https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/mental-wellbeing/specific-mental-health-conditions/postnatal-depression

http://www.nhs.uk

Reference: Post Natal Depression NHS 2018 (online)(accessed 27/12/2018) Available via World Wide Web: http://www.nhs.uk

(Disclaimer:I don’t claim that this blog is anything profound, I am not the most punctual or articulate of writer so for you critics just bare with me 😘🙌🏻)

Mad Friday

Well I’ve had some pretty Mad Fridays over the years, not just Mad Fridays…some pretty mad weekends in all. Mad Fridays used to be a time of celebrating breaking up from work for Christmas! As a nurse I was often still working but if I could I would always try request Mad Friday off as it was a good night out and basically an excuse to get lashed. Partying times are a fond distant memory it may seem. I’m at home this Friday, it’s sad haha even my mother will be out celebrating….ah yes the good old days…

It’s safe to say the maddest thing I’ve done this Friday is waving goodbye to a 💩 turd! Yes just to update Henry has been doing much better with his potty training…I don’t know how or why he just decided to start using the toilet on holiday and we kept it up since getting back! It must be a Christmas miracle and I’m very proud of him and pleased. Henry is pleased too and that is why we clap, and sing and salute his triumph! 😂👏🏻 (maybe I can get one fully out of nappies before number 3 arrives 🙏🏻)….oh how times have changed, used to be necking jagger and tequila on a Mad Friday and dancing the night away. I’ll be sticking to my yorkshire tea and Justin’s house…I can still get a dance in at least.

What are your plans this Christmas then? Christmas is at my house this year! I’m totally unorganised I went to town yesterday and it was like hell! I couldn’t even remember what I needed, in and out I was, not staying any longer.

We are all sharing who does what for our meal..I’ve been to Sainsbury’s and bought ready made veg for my part lol…I mean it looks lush, there are some kind of multicoloured carrots I never Knew even existed, can’t go wrong.

…Kids are excited, we got them a sack each… I wondered if it would be enough but by the sounds of what everyone else has bought the kids we will need are extension ASAP! just to cope with the sheer amount of toys they will have.

Chocolate is everywhere. I didn’t realise how far up Henry could reach now, he managed to grab the chocolate coins from the mantle piece! It was a chocolate massacre all over the living room…he was kind enough to share with his little brother..I can not be certain he hasn’t ate the foil but they both seemed okay seen as though they were laughing at me.

It was a struggle getting the Christmas cards this year like do I even get cards?i bought my mum one but forgot I was married…Tom and the kids had to send their own. It’s confusing because I have a grandma and grandad and mum and now the babies have the same so it’s like how many cards do I need haha 😂

We don’t have enough chairs at the table so garden chairs it is. Tom has practiced his piano so we can all have a sing song. I’ll be sure to share that for your entertainment and comedy value.

Well I wish everybody a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and thank you for supporting my blog so far, and to all the mommas a stress free magical time with your bubbas’ ❤️👶🏼🎄 xxxxx

Mumtrepreneur?!

Jack of all trades and master of none?!

To Work or not to Work…that is the question?!

Sat in clinic having my diabetes test having just necked the glucose drink like a bush tucker trial…😝 killing 2 hours I’ve been sat feeling sick and pondering life as you do. Now I don’t claim to be an expert on this subject and I don’t have an opinion either way so I’m not pro stay at home or work but I am just illustrating my situation to provide some help and support for others who have been in this turmoil.

…It has always been in me, even before I was a mum. I was never satisfied with what I had, I always wanted more, I always questioned, pushed boundaries, strived for something to fill that void…..as I’ve grown older I’ve realised that what I was striving for does not exist and the thing that I need to fill the void…I don’t even know what it is. instead of looking externally you have to look at yourself. What is your identity?

It could be part of my personality I guess. Typical Type A. I get bored a lot of the time and don’t like the mundaneness of life, I overthink and often procrastinate. I totally know that I am very lucky and know that people are worse off and we should appreciate what we have. Problem is when you become a mum you do have a lot of time to think which is weird considering how busy you are but you do. when your stuck at home with a baby you drift off and wonder what your life is all about and what to do with yourself…

Okay so I guess I can call my self a full time stay at home mum now. I am so far from where I thought I would be and what I thought motherhood would look like, this was never my plan yet still I’m here, 3rd pregnancy in thinking okay then…this is my reality. How did this happen?! Well I know how haha…but I was chatting to Tom last night saying how did we get here…married and third baby on the way?! I don’t have enough hands to carry all three down the stairs?! Is one going to be left out? What if I can’t cope? What if I’m a shit mum?!

I never imagined I would be a stay at home mum. I was so career focused and driven. I had qualified as a nurse in 2009 and never took my foot off the pedal to be quite honest, even as a qualified nurse I was so keen to climb the ladder, I was working full time and back at university doing my masters within a year of qualifying. I become a nurse specialist and then nursing sister and loved my role with a passion. It was all I knew for nearly 9 years and who I identified as. I didn’t know where I was going but the only way was up… that all came to a sudden standstill for various reasons.

The hardest part for me came from having choice. I’m not wanting to brag but I am so lucky that we are financially stable that I could either work or stay at home. With that said it didn’t make my decision any easier because I wanted to work, I wanted to provide and I wanted to do it all and I loved my job.

I was taught growing up to be independent and to be able to stand on my own two feet so not working to me went against my whole ethos. I didn’t want to depend on a man to provide for me.

When I fell pregnant with my second I really had to think about it carefully and in making my decision I wanted to do what was best for my kids. I know I would feel more mentally stable back at work (well..) but I know that I would be better supporting my children, Toms career and as a whole supporting what is best for my family.

Everyone has their own circumstance and it’s different for everybody. However you make your way, there is not right or wrong way and it’s just how it is.

I was in complete turmoil when deciding whether or not to go back to Work. When I fell pregnant with my now third child, it sort of made the decision for me. I probably would have gone back but a previous horrible experience put me off completely and I just thought in the end it’s not worth it. I mean how would I manage with three kids under 3 and manage a ward anyway, it just wouldn’t be fair on all parties.

I argued against myself for a long time and often felt resentment when I first became a mum. Tom was upset he couldn’t go cycling as much anymore. It used to annoy me because I thought so much more had changed for me…I can’t just go to the gym anymore when I want (…yeah right 😂🙈)…..I can’t fit into my size 12 jeans anymore….I can’t go out partying till all hours…I can’t see my friends when I want…I can’t pursue my career…I can’t just book a holiday anymore…I can’t have a nap when I want….so much responsibility now. So much change and adjustment where for Tom he could still go to work and be with adults!…it’s hard for him too though because he misses the boys and it’s hard work and long hours.

When Henry was first born I got cabin fever.. I started thinking alsorts…start up a business …botox! Reiki…counselling….train to be a doctor…I was thinking of anything I could do other than do what was important…parent my child…that was my role now….I dunno why I didn’t want to accept it and why I was putting so much pressure on myself. HereS me starting a business about 6months pregnant with Freddie, I think I was doing anything not to go back to my real job…

I think it a lot of the feelings came from a place of feeling like your a non-entity after having a child. You get so much attention whilst your pregnant and then all of a sudden it’s not about you anymore. Your child takes front seat. Sometimes family come and visit and they not here to see you, your like the after thought. Not purposely but it’s just how it is now.

It all came down to what am I actually trying to achieve and more importantly who to? I was worried about what people might think of me…like oh she’s lazy she don’t work….that’s it sponging off her husband…who does she think she is a WAG?! Real house Wife’s of West Yorkshire (I totally think that I am haha) after much deliberation of what people may or may not think I realised that it doesn’t actually matter what anyone else thinks….it was what was best for me and my family that mattered.

I finally made my decision to stay at home, and a weight was lifted. I realised that what I wanted deep down was to be with my children, be a house wife and raise a family! Complete 360! And I know that I am privileged and lucky to have this opportunity even though I know it’s going to be hard work.

Don’t get me wrong I know I will want to get back to work eventually, whether I go back into nursing that’s another story but for now it’s all about the boys.

You realise a lot as you grow older. I was bullied at school, mainly by my so called friends…they even had a burn book like mean girls!…This theme had continued in my adult life in the work environment unfortunately…(talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy 🤔). I think that’s where a lot of my Insecurities came from and that need to prove myself to others, a constant need to be liked and accepted. Ive been lucky enough to discover that its all a-load of rubbish. I’m not perfect nor am I a saint but I’m the first to know that. I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am and realise that what you think of yourself is more important than what others think. The people that love you and who you love are all that matters and you should treat people with kindness and forgive…even the mean ones.

….Im worried how I’m going to cope with 3 kids under 3, I know I will cope somehow but I just dunno how. The thing is, it’s not enough for me just to be at home, I need to be doing something for me…is that selfish? I need to be using my brain! I can feel I’m loosing it day by day, my memory is terrible nowadays! 😂✌🏻 ……(anyway ENOUGH of my issues 🙈💕)

If you are worrying about going back to work or not and maintaining a work life balance, stay calm and realise that what ever you decide you do not need to feel guilty…even though you will and probably will do forever more (comes with the territory). Know that if you decide to stay at home you ain’t lazy, you are actually doing a very difficult thankless job in raising your family (yes I know kids are not a ‘job’ but it can be just as hard as working. And if you working and providing for your children you are doing a very difficult job and having to juggle family life.

Tips

1. Don’t rush to make a decision, take your time

2. Write it down, pros and cons of staying at home and working

3. Sit down and work out your finances, (sometimes nursery can cost as much as a mortgage…is it worth it or not)

4. Speak to others and get advice, your partner, family members, friends.

5. Look online (the google gods)

6. Know that you cannot make a wrong decision and know that you can change your mind

7. Trust your gut

8. Know that you are an amazing mum regardless whether you work or not.

People will always have opinions about the right and wrong way to parent and that’s fine but try not to take them too personally because they are coming from a good place and if not, then just ignore them. People only know from their own experience, staying at home or not so if people judge you more fool them.

Good Luck! You can do this xxx

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

The Parent Trap….classic film!! Love it but I’m not taking about the twins that trapped their parents…I’m talking about the competitive parent trap, the one we trap ourselves in as parents…using our own children as bate to fulfil our own egos without even releasing…we have all done it or thought it at some point surely even if some won’t admit it…? No? Well I have and I know some of my friends have sometimes felt the same.

…There are many articles, blogs written about this…it’s exactly as it sounds…and funnily enough it has nothing to do with your child….it’s a trap for parents! A competition that can never be won or lost!…never thought you would fall for this…even the most level headed of parents can get sucked into its vacuum of never ending relentless of trying to prove your child is ‘the best’….but who you trying to prove it to? Of course your child is the best….to you….

…how can your kids even compete when they are completely different and unique to one another? ….how can you stay sane and not get sucked into the bullshit phenomenon.

when you are a first time parent you have never done it before so you are going to have to wing it like the rest of us and yes whatever some parents may make you believe, there will come a time of self doubt. Naturally, you compare your child perhaps to others of a similar age to reassure yourself that your kid is ‘normal’ (whatever that means). It’s great when it comes from a place of support but sometimes you ever feel like it ain’t?!….

We all meet mums like this and we may even come across this way to others without realising…the important thing is to remember that you cant change these types and you can’t react to everything someone says. Instead of looking outwardly, look inside yourself…are you doing your best? Are you raising your children as you see fit? Are you doing what you can according to you and your needs and personality?…if yes then you are doing things right. You are doing what is best for you and your children and that’s all that matters. Just ignore all the stuff that doesn’t help you, let it go….it says more about them than you…

One time I was chatting with a girl who had a little boy the same age as Freddie. She saw I was feeding him some Ella’s kitchen breadstick type snacks…she happened to comment that her little boy didn’t eat snacks like that, he has weened off all said baby items and was eating adult food including garlic bread and crumpets….she went as far to say he didn’t even need milk anymore….erm I said okay great…(it continued)…is yours walking yet…. mine is sitting up and doing handstands (not quite) lol….after the encounter I felt awful…I was worried that my boy wasn’t developing enough…I went as far as to walk to Sainsbury’s and buy crumpets!…it’s safe to say they didn’t go down well I mean Christ…Freddie only had gums!!! What was I thinking…why had I let this girl get to me so much that I reacted in such a way….it was then I decided never to take on board any bullshit again and just carry on doing what I think is best for my baby.

It felt like comparisons and competition carried on into my third pregnancy when I found out it was a girl…but then boy…Another boy yes!!!

Let’s call it ‘girl gate’…gosh I could almost feel the sighof relief when I wasn’t having a girl ? (It’s an uncanny gift, I pick up on a lot of energies…but it can have its downsides when you would prefer to play ignorant). Perhaps however, it’s my own insecurity of feeling inadequate and not getting what I thought I wanted and having always thought I would have girls? I had so many people saying weird stuff…’omg not a girl are you disappointed’….’you will probably always have boys’…’destined to have boys’….’I hear that some men only produce male sperm’ (seriously why say this?! Are you a scientist) ….’I hear some mums only can have boys’….listen to yourself?! Are you making yourself feel better about the fact you had a specific gender?…like one has precedent over the other? I mean I did freak out about the situation to be honest but I was worrying about everybody else and not what I wanted. I know gender disappointment can be real and I do empathise. I wasn’t disappointed when I found out I was having a boy, I was waiting for the sinking feeling that I had built up because I kinda was hoping for a girl…it never came I watched the scan and saw Henry and Freddie smiling up at the image and I filled up with love.

At the end of the day I was and am overjoyed to be pregnant, to be having another child! I’m so lucky and my baby deserves to be loved and accepted boy or girl!…I’m not looking forward to the labour part….I mean you wouldn’t care what was coming as long as it would be over. I know I’m Going love my boy more than anything…would I trade positions for a girl….erm I don’t think so! Tom wants 4 babies….he wants a girl but it’s not guaranteed!! I need a break!! 3 under 3!…..😬😬😬

…yes I would have liked a girl…..did I get pregnant just to have a girl….NO….did I get pregnant because me and my husband wanted to…YES

Id like to think that some people couldn’t possibly believe they would have so much influence over my life and that I would make a life changing decision for my family based on their social ideology.

…………..

It is instinct to put your child first above everything, it is the most amazing thing you have created and is the most beautiful thing you will ever create….and this is fact and true to you! your child is the best and is number one….

I’m lucky enough to have a friend who is supportive, loves my boys and genuinely wants what’s best for them and I hers. We are in this together yet we do things differently. We do what is right for our boys, they are all different and individuals. Some areas I think she does better than me in, and vice versa. We still can have insecurities but we don’t make each other feel crap about it, we talk about it, we laugh about it when it goes wrong, we got each other and when it goes right we are encouraging each other, that’s the most important thing. Parenting is hard enough, we need all the support we can get. A supportive friend, partner, family…what more do you need….then you’ll find your onto a real winner, trust me. That way, we are all winners xxxx

Children can be annoying yes, I get it. All be it there are some said unwritten rules on holiday like…perhaps don’t let them in the piano bar after 0900….perhaps don’t let them pee all over daddies shirt in the process….perhaps try stop them making parrot noises when people are trying to watch the sunset (Henry)….maybe don’t try throw a spoon at the man leaving the restaurant (Freddie)…yes it was safe to say meal times were like feeding time at the zoo but it could not be helped, we try not to make a show of it we really do.

I appreciate that some adults want to have a relaxing child free holiday but my child has every god given right to be on this earth and enjoy a holiday as much as you do. It needs to work both ways, a mutual respect. I try and teach my kids to behave and it’s hard but they are still learning and I’m teaching them right and wrong like how it’s rude to stare….yes ADULT haven’t you seen a baby crying before? Were you not once a baby yourself? Thank god you were or you would never have existed?

Pre baby times I was totally on the adult side of kids are a nuisance! But when you have your own it’s different….your on the over side…I see adults staring…I think I am like you honest… do you think I am enjoying this tantrum? Do you think I have made my baby cry Just to ruin your day?

Some adults were lovely and give you that understanding smile (i like these people) these are the ones that look fondly and I wonder if they remember the days when their babies were young and long for them back. I love how your on the children/adult side when you see another kid having a moment and you can see the empathy from other parents like we get you, stay strong 💪🏻🙌🏻🙏🏻😄

…So my advice to adults wanting an adult holiday would be to book an adult only hotel because if your not willing to co-exist with my child then you are in the wrong place love…

We had a great holiday btw 💕💙 xxx

Is my kid speaking to ghosts?!?!

Seriously freaking out!!! Henry has been talking to someone or something in the kitchen! Its bizarre, I know Kids can have imaginary friends but surely not one called ‘cock’ who says things are ‘dead’. I’m really concerned… where has he got these words from?! Is it normal for 2 year olds to say weird stuff…?! I know he is only just starting to develop his vocabulary and he did call his brother ‘deady’ instead of Freddie (erm okay is my son a psychopath?!?!)….I’ve been trying to figure out where he could have got these words from, I certainly haven’t said ‘cock’, the only things he watches is CBeebies and the film trolls!…I can’t see them referencing a ‘cock?!’ Maybe he is trying to say ‘clock?’…This called for my top investigation skills and my only trust worthy, reliable tool of knowledge….

GOOGLE

‘why is my son saying ‘cock’ and ‘dead’….

Funnily enough it may interest you that this brought up reference to an old school kids nursery rhyme called ‘cock robin’ with the lyrics ‘I killed cock robin…who saw him die’….omg! Naturally my vivid imagination could not cope with this! Is Henry chatting to some creepy kids ghost singing cock robin?

Apparently children can be very perceptive to energy and ‘ghosts’….erm if it is a ghost can you kindly stop talking about ‘the dead’ please it’s not bothering him but it’s bothering me. Henry once said he could see a man from the garden but it was probably the scar-crow I bought (I named her sally) from the services last year, her hair had blown off in the wind so she did look butch to be fair…. He did watch some Harry Potter recently before he went to bed and it was that shit scary one with the death eaters so maybe it was that?! Nursery?! Either way I’m not sure but I’m going to keep an eye on it…I’m sure it’s just part of his development and he’s just exploring words and getting muddled up. its hard sometimes and they just seem to pick up on everything and he is only 2 and maybe trying to explain something and I just don’t understand. maybe it was the news? I’m going to conclude that it’s just a ‘phase’ and hope that I’m not going to be saying this in 10, 20 years. The stuff we have to worry about these days….thank god for google 😂🙈🙏🏻 xxx